Tag Archives: the internet

A handy guide to the whole internet, part I

As someone who has used the internet for at least four weeks now, I feel comfortable in both showing off my knowledge and providing a teaching service for you, the plebes. Or is it plebs? Who knows.

Google knows, that’s who. Plebs is a singular collective noun, whereas plebes is the plural, meaning more than one collection of plebs. An individual is a plebeian. Which you can’t spell without ‘Ian’. Ah. Balls.

Anyway, my research into the internets has provided many nuggets of golden information, but none of them have proven as useful – as worthwhile – as my research into internet comment threads. Be they on a news site, on a review, in a forum, on Twitter, whatever it is – there is an area where everyone, even you, can go and speek you’re branes.

And my word are there times when I wish you couldn’t. The propensity for idiocy seemingly knows no bounds, and every time I venture into comment threads I end up wishing I hadn’t. Also: angry.

But I’m here to help you ease yourself into this world with a quick, handy guide as to the types of commenter you will see in every single comment thread in the world. Because they’re always there. They, for some reason, can’t not be.

The pedant
A noble order – some find them irritating, interjecting with “I think you meant to say…” and suchlike, but I find them the purest of the pure. In fact, they’re likely to be seen as modern day saints as soon as the world gets over the fact that you fucking well should be corrected for getting things wrong.

The racist
Everywhere. EVERY. WHERE. You usually don’t get to read their comments though, as they’re often deleted before you arrive.

The closet racist
Even more everywhere, and this one doesn’t get deleted because they hide their blatant hatred for people wot dun are different with some terrible, made-up logic. Often of the cyclical or straw man variety.

The blandington
You will have read their comment, but by the time you’re at the end of the sentence you will have forgotten what the beginning of it said. You will not go back to re-read it.

The child
They often pop up, leading to memes like ‘I am twelve and what is this’. Do not engage them in any discourse, it will only lead to pointlessness.


Some others
Because yeah, this list isn’t actually funny like I intended it to be. You could consider this me being a lazy commenter who starts a point or argument but then never comes back to validate any points or explain any concepts. Which also means I could be a troll.

Get over it.

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I hate you, but I cannot leave you

I attempted some time ago to give up on reading comment threads on the websites I read. In the world of gaming it’s a bunch of over-entitled, immature numbskulls of the lowest level; idiotic, homophobic, sexist and even sometimes racist, as well as the usual, expected hyper-aggression syndrome they all seem to suffer from. I mean, it’s not exactly a nice place to be, reading through them.

But then you’d think it would be different elsewhere. Nah. Not even my beautiful Guardian (*adjusts organic hemp slippers*) is safe from these twits. They’re everywhere. So I decided I would stop it. I would read an article*, I would leave it at that, I would move on. It would be safer, and I wouldn’t find myself spewing pure, flaming rage at a computer screen while my workmates look on, perplexed.

It would be better for me, basically.

Naturally I haven’t been able to stop reading them. Naturally once I’ve finished reading an article** I continue to scroll down the page and absent-mindedly start reading whatever semi-coherent refuse has spilled out of the so-called brain of the twat who has just been given access to their first ever keyboard. I cannot think of a time I have read through a comments section without ending up angry or  otherwise sorely disappointed in the human race.

I know it’s not indicative of the world as a whole – the idiots do tend to shout the loudest, after all. But it’s still there. It’s still irritating. And even though I promise to myself a thousand times I won’t do it, I still end up reading them.

Though I suppose without them we wouldn’t have the likes of Speak Youre Branes and its ilk.

*”Look at funny animal pictures”.

**”Watching a video of a man falling off a thing”.

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For all of my adoring fans

The internet is a “wonderful” place, allegedly. It has actually helped me a great deal, and is a fine place for anyone and everyone to do things and show them to the world. Part of these ‘things’ I have done has been writing for numerous websites, as you probably know or have guessed. I’ll save it for another day to write about the places I have written for, as today I would like to talk about another thing that makes the internet unique and “wonderful”. The ability for just about anyone to make instant, mostly-uncensored comment on everything I have ever written. It’s bloody brilliant.

I have been accused of plagiarism for having a similar opinion to another games writer person, I have been insulted, patronised and generally besmirched in many ways*. I can’t say “I wouldn’t have it any other way”, but I can say I don’t mind it that much – especially as they can be so bloody funny. So let’s just take a look at some of the real, genuine, actual comments that people have made on things I have written (all from Hecklerspray, natch, as I can’t be bothered sifting through the other things):

“This is ridiculous. How dare you make such harsh and unforgiving comments about the interview when katie price was obviously devastated about losing a child.”

“listen im a 10 year old but ive got some gob on me okay and im smart enough to figure you idiots out!”

“if “hecklerspray” believes that retarded
Austrailian tabloid then they are a bunch of

“Obviously the asshole who wrote this article knows zilch about acting…
Robert Pattinson is a great actor and I’d like to see you try to portray a tortured artist or a man trying to find his identity from a young age in How To Be….

Obviously he is a fantastic actor seeing as he’s getting really good movie roles, your opinion on this article is biased and a load of bull…”


Bet ur lovin the conflict uv caused ian lol
Personally i think u can hav ur own opinion & no1 shud rly care

I just think ur a bit pathetic”

And of course, all of these I quoted all those ages ago (they’re funnier than these, I didn’t want to re-use them here).

I do so love the internet.

*Some have even been supportive.

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