Tag Archives: the moon


I would love to believe in conspiracy theories, but I just can’t bring myself to. Well, most of the time at least. Well, some of the time. Well, with the more overblown ones, at the very least.

Neil Armstrong dying and everyone then talking about the moon landings is obviously why this has come up in my mind, as you seem them come running out from everywhere to shout conspiracy before his corpse is even cooling. And much as I am the kind of person who won’t believe a thing told to me (unless I’m drunk or it’s a pretty girl telling me), I do still believe we, as in humans, landed on the moon.

Just as I don’t believe the September 11 attacks were orchestrated by the US government.

Just as I don’t think Area 51 has a crashed UFO and some alien corpses.

Just as I see most of the X-Files storylines as storylines, and not people overtly admitting to these things being real.

But it’s not because I think those in charge wouldn’t lie to us – they do that all the time, about the stupidest of things. It’s not because I don’t think they want to control information and, as a result, the people. Of course they do. Those in charge want to remain in charge, so they want all the power.

That’s natural. Accepted. They lie, cheat and steal like Eddie Guerrero.

But they’re not good enough for proper conspiracies. They’re too dumb. Too disorganised. Too crap to pull off these things.

If the moon landings were fake, they would have used better-quality footage. They just would. They’d be too dumb to think ‘make it poor quality so it looks authentic’. They’d make sure Armstrong’s first words were actually correct and what he meant to say, not missing an ‘a’. They’d do it at a more palatable time for a world audience, not the wee hours of whatever for whoever – to maximise those who saw it and so those who are impressed by it.

They’d probably put advertising on it too, actually.

But they didn’t. They’re too dumb to fake it. Ditto for all the others.

But the best conspiracy theory on the moon landings? “Well if it was real, why didn’t they go back?”

Sigh. No hope.


Filed under Prattle

Twitter’s ‘top tweets’, aka: ‘how to spout a complete bunch of arse’.

I have grown fond of Twitter for a few different purposes over the last year or so – I still think it’s excellent for live quippy banter during football matches, for example. Especially as I have no friends and always end up watching it on my own.

But the front page of that site often makes me want to stab, twist and stab again. It’s full of the most sanctimonious bullshit I have had the profound misfortune to ever read – half-baked, nonsensical and downright idiotic gibberish that the morons writing it should be fucking ashamed of. And that’s without going in to the mind-numbing god-squad shit that clutters it up.

Problem is, they’re on the main page of Twitter, seen by millions, so they think they’re actually saying, or doing, something right. They’re not. Here are three examples. Well, two examples and one example of something that’s gone over my head. So I’m the idiot there. Let’s just call that one the control in this study.

First up is MileyCySupportt (yes, that’s an extra ‘t’) with this nugget of wisdom:

“We cant find anything in magazine sites about Liam Hemsworth. Why? Because he’s done. He’s nothing without Miley Cyrus. Thats it.”

I don’t give two flecks of crusty, five-week-old shit about Miley Cyrus and I genuinely have no idea who Liam Hemsworth is. I know who Hemsworth Ian is, but I doubt they’re related. But this user seems to genuinely believe the moronic little shit of a singer gives any semblance of a flying fuck about what they think. They seem to think they have any right to comment on the life and times of said little shit* as if their input is in some way relevant, thoughtful or in the slightest bit important. For that, they can piss the shit off. Yes, I am most likely picking on a 12-year-old here. I’m not even sorry.

Next up is the control example, from CornelWest:

“You can have all the schooling in the world, but If you’re still on the surface, you’re not really educated.”

I’m sure there’s some fine philosophical meaning behind this, but all I get out of it is ‘you need to become a Morlock, otherwise you’re a stupid, stupid twat.’ Which, to be honest, is a damn fine message to put on the front page of Twitter.

But the absolute best of today’s crop has to be this gem of an uplifting, feel-good quote from quotemeifyoucan:

“Don’t try to be a star. Be the moon; it shines brighter than everything in the sky.”

First up is the astounding idiocy on show here in indicating that people should aspire to be either a burning fucking ball of fucking gas in space or a fucking lump of fucking rock in fucking space. That’s before we go into the real kicker here and point out that the only reason the moon shines as it does is because it reflects the light given off by the Sun. The Sun is actually the brightest thing in our sky, as far as I’m aware, and is actually – get this – a fucking star. Little sayings like this don’t just annoy cantankerous old twats like me, they’re actually harmful to society as a whole. Seriously, they are. You bring your little arsehole kids up to spout this nonsense and they will have little to no grasp on how utterly devoid of anything positive life can be, how unrelentingly awful people can be or how all you’re doing is cruising along, keeping your head down and waiting to fucking die. Also they’ll be irritating, chirpy little twunts that just need to shut up before I die of rage.

Fuck you everybody, good night.

*I mean, who in their right mind would ever comment openly on people they don’t actually know, or have any involvement with or contact with? Only a moron, quite clearly.**

**What I’ve done there is cleverly lampoon myself in a hilarious fashion. If you didn’t pick that up then piss off, you’re a moron.


Filed under Prattle