Tag Archives: tories

Privacy is for paedos

Paul McMullan is my new favourite person. Not because he’s actually good in any way, but because he’s the greatest creation Armando Iannucci and Chris Morris have never come up with.

Privacy is for paedos.

Privacy is for paedos.

Privacy is for paedos.

To be a truly incredibly person, you have to come out with incredible statements like that. You want to use a changing room to hide your modesty? PAEDO.

Close the door when you take a shit? PAEDO.

Hide your status updates from anybody, ever, at all, on FaceboYOUAREAPAEDO.

Ask for privacy from the media in the immediate aftermath of a loved one’s death? YOU FUCK KIDS BECAUSE YOU ARE INTENSELY SEXUALLY AROUSED BY THE LITTLE BASTARDS.

It’s devastatingly logical logic.

I have to laugh. I have to. I have to find something funny from today, because the government is doing its level best to make me go on a bona-fide killing spree by bending the country over and fucking it with a rusty bayonet. It’s good to know that the government genuinely, actually does not care about you at all.

I mean, I knew it – I’ve always known it. But this is such a brazen, blatant show of this fact in a very public situation, it’s hard not to be at least a little surprised. You are an ant. You do not matter. Fuck you.

On a related note that isn’t related at all: I have started using smilies in things I’m writing. And you know what? I don’t hate it. It makes it easier than having to explain in detail why I’m joking or being sarcastic. Plus I can make any sentence sexy by doing this 😉


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Well that was a colossal waste of time

What a wonderful day this is for our countries, united under one all-powerful flag. It’s a wonderful day because it’s opened our eyes even wider than they were previously to the fact that this nation is made up of a bunch of reactionary, selfish, unthinking, scared molluscs who would vote for a party that aims to systematically take apart what little good the Labour party did for Britain and replace it with unworkable, draconian and ultimately laughable legislation. Oh, but they’d look after their rich mates.

The Tories aren’t actually in power while I write this, such is the godsend that is a hung parliament. But the news and what the parties are saying seems to point to a Conservative and Liberal Democrat coalition to form the majority and, ultimately, run the country. The Con-dem party, then. I don’t know if it will happen, but if it does I sincerely hope Clegg and his band of merry third-placers can band together and force some kind of rationality from the Tories.

From a purely selfish perspective – you know, the kind of perspective a lot of people voted for the Tories from – I am worried. I am worried about a little thing called tax credits, introduced by Labour. I don’t get paid much and I have large debts that require monthly payments – the working tax credit scheme gives me a bit of extra money that makes it so I can actually afford to live each month without any real fear of becoming destitute (just a small fear). The potential for Conservative governance, and hence Conservative policy, in this country scares me as they have said for a long time they intend to abolish tax credit schemes. In the eyes of the Tories, those who are on a low wage are in that position because they don’t work very hard. Not because they might love their job, even though it is low paid. Not because they do something genuinely worthwhile but ultimately not in high demand, and so are low paid. Nor because they are simply at the bottom-end of the social strata and the best they can hope for is a reasonably comfortable experience, hence they are low paid.

No: if you don’t earn much, you are a dosser. A leech on the government. A parasite; worse than any banker who contributed to a worldwide economic downturn. Worse than a trust-funded up the jacksie, silver spooned cunt who has never done anything of worth – nor tried to do anything of worth – in their life (and never will have to). You are the reason this country is in the state it’s in, and you deserve to be kicked in the gut a few more times until you learn your lesson: poor people aren’t people. I fear and resent the Tory stance on this issue, enough that it makes me genuinely, noticeably angry.

But hey, enough about how the potential for a Tory-lead government could ultimately end with me having to abandon the job I love, owing to the fact I won’t be able to afford to live anymore. That’s not something on the grander scale.

No, something on the grander scale would be the woes surrounding our electoral system. Liberal Democrats voter percentage: up one per cent. Liberal Democrats net gains/losses of MPs: down five. Conservative voter percentage: up three point eight per cent. Conservative net gains/losses of MPs: up ninety-four. That, my friends, is a system that is more broken than I ever imagined it to be. I have studied this stuff (albeit only over a few months through 2008/09) and I have some understanding of the way government works. I knew first past the post is a rotten system, but this is beyond that. This is a joke. This is the type of outcome that destroys newfound enthusiasm for our elections and – as a direct result – benefits those in power. If no one cares enough to vote next time around (if it’s still FPTP and is held in a few years, not within weeks, natch) then the status quo is likely to remain in charge. If that status quo is Tory, it will remain Tory.

Would a Con-dem coalition work for electoral reform? I don’t know. I can see the Tories wanting to galvanise their control over the country in this kind of situation, and that wouldn’t happen if they were to open up the voting system to one that actually represented the wants of the people. In that case, with the results as they are right now, they would be down about 50 per cent of their seats. No, I can see a Tory-lead government that pushes for things to stay just as they are, pushing out a message of xenophobia, small-island mentalities, isolationism and fear to keep the millions of thick twats in this country under control. They’ll have help from Rupert Murdoch’s papers too, so they’ve no need to worry how they’ll get the message out to the legion of dunces who make up Britain.

Or maybe I’m just being cynical. Maybe I was just being cynical all those years when I stood by my ideals and avoided voting, purely because it rarely makes a difference. Maybe. Or maybe I’m right. Who knows?

As for the opinion polls and their lack of correspondence to the actual outcome – with particular attention paid to the fact the Lib Dems were down about 30-40 seats from what they were predicted to get… well, is it any surprise? The British public are a bunch of spineless maggots when in a pinch, and won’t vote with their heads. It’s like I mentioned about – they’ll go for the status quo rather than opt to use their brains for once to make a decision on their own. So well done there, Britain. I like this country – in fact, I might go so far as to say I love it. I don’t buy into the nonsense we’re fed of no streets being safe, and I know more than enough rational, intelligent and fair-minded people to also know that this country isn’t completely inhabited by morons. Which is why it’s so much harder to take this. The yellows getting a couple of dozen more seats would be unlikely to have had much of an effect on the outcome as it stands, but at least more people voting for Clegg and his cronies would have shown that the British, as a people, aren’t afraid of actually making a fucking decision for once, rather than doing what they’re told or being awful, surrendering, selfish cockfucks.

(Also: as for proportional representation giving a voice to the more extreme parties (they would have landed themselves 12 seats in this election were it PR): so what? It’s proportional. I’d rather fair, representative government than one where a little over a third of the population vote for one party who then think they should run the country)

I had some other points, but I’ve actually forgotten them. There’s so much going through my head now it’s hard to concentrate. I’m over-reacting, I’m sure, but I’m worried. This should probably be my last blog about the election, politics and all that nonsense that gets me in such a flap. So drink it up while it lasts. I also expect someone more intelligent than me to correct me on a lot of my points. Woo.


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“Election” sounds like “erection”

Click on the space where the image should be if you can’t see it. YEAH.

And that’s without even mentioning a “hung” parliament. Ho ho.

You may have seen in the grown-up (crow’n-up news) that there is to be a general election on May 6. What this means is that about half of the people in the country who are eligible to vote will go to some shack in the middle of nowhere, put a cross in a box, drop it in a different kind of box and move on, proud that they’ve done their deed for the day/five years. It’s also the day that people voting for real reasons other than ridiculous, blind loyalty (or just idiocy/racism) do what is known as “wasting their vote”.

Everyone knows it’s the Liberal Democrats, the Greens and some other minor parties that actually have the best policies for a fair, proper country. That’s not to say they’d have any way of implementing them, nor would they necessarily be able to handle the pressure of actually being in charge (we’ve all seen what happened to Tommy Carcetti on The Wire). But that doesn’t stop what is supposed to be a vote representative of the views of the populace keeping two main parties in power: the red tossers or the blue tossers.

Now, I’m northern. I’m from one of the most impenetrable Labour strongholds in the country. I value the rights of the working man over that of the fat cats and blah de blah de blah. But it’s as clear as the clearest of days that the difference between the two major parties comes down to what colour ties they wear, or if they bother hiding the fact they’re all about their monied friends or not.

My political analysis isn’t deep, clever or thorough in the slightest. It’s based on looking at a few policies before getting bored and reading something more fun. It’s also based on a gut-instinct to hate those smug Tory wankers. It shouldn’t be thought of as anything other than a slight venting at the fact that nothing ever really changes.

I had a point, I’ve lost it in the fury. I’m voting Green. Or: “wasting my vote”.

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What will it be like when I get old?

Unfortunately there was never a definite point in life when I suddenly became an adult. I mean, I still find farts the height of comic sophistication and the first thing I do when given a pen and piece of paper is draw a knob, so I’m clearly not really a grown up. But then you realise what’s been playing on your mind for the last few weeks – money worries, unpaid bills, something about council tax bands – and you realise that WHOOPS ALFUCKINGMIGHTY, you’re supposed to be a real person now.

Well I don’t think it’s on, and I propose that the inevitable arrival of a Tory Cunt Government should bring with it a complete change on how growing up is handled, so the youth of today don’t go through what we’ve all been through when they realise they’re concerned about the longevity of a bookshelf they’ve had their eye on. For argument’s sake, I’d say it’ll last you a good ten years – at least.

The Jewish faith has it nailed on, more or less – a Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah, where the child becomes responsible for their own actions. In essence, they become an adult. We need a modified version of this for Britain as a whole, to hit at a different point depending on your circumstances. Obviously early school leavers would have to have the ceremony held at 16, probably in-between shifts at the call centre (and only if they have team leader permission). Whereas the layabouts like me who went to uni would have to wait until they were about 24/25 for the event – after all, post-uni you need a good few years to adjust to the fact that you’re expected to do things now, so throwing someone still adjusting straight into adulthood could have dire, explosive consequences.

Basically, what I’m saying is: I don’t like paying bills. Fuck you bills, fuck you EON and your debt collection agencies and fuck you mobile phones for letting those pricks get in touch with me.

Good day.


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