Tag Archives: tory

My political career starts… NOW

I’ve decided I dislike Conor Burns, my local Tory MP, because his newsletters annoy me. And he looks like a potato. And he comes across as a total spineless yes man with all the credibility of a discredited whelk. And (back to the newsletter) he has things like this under the ‘what Conor has done since the last update’ part:

“Met with Neil Vaughn and PhD supervisor Dr Venky Dubey to discuss the importance of supporting scientific research.”

Seriously. Absolute twattism of the highest order, as if it’s impressive that he supports the fact that one of the most important things in the entire history of humanity is important. Absolute thundercunt. Meaning I’ve decided I’m going to run to be a local MP – I just need something like £500 and 100 signatures, so yeah, get on that. Someone give me £500 and 100 of you sign the thing I haven’t written yet.

Anyway, here’s some of the main points I will campaign on:

Science is shit
I have to take a stand against my opponent, even if that means contriving reasons to do so. As such I have to go against what I actually think – getting straight into the politician spirit – and saying science is actually a pile of anus. Take that, Burns.

Closer ties with North Korea
I don’t mean on a national level, I just mean in Bournemouth West. I would suggest we could send all the idiots with stupid accents from around here over there to… I don’t know… build shit. And they could send us some of Kim Jong Il’s DVD collection, so I’d have some more films to watch. Makes sense. Also: make Bournemouth a nuclear power, with my finger on the trigger.

More schools and money and shit for everyone, apart from rich people
Rich people only don’t get stuff because I hate them, not because they already have money. And I think everyone needs money and school and shit, so they should all get it. We’ll get Kimmy boy to send over some cash to fun it. Or sell a few nukes.

Free dogs for the well behaved
In order to convince you all dogs are better than people.

Free women for me
Self-explanatory, really.

Vote for Ian!

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How to improve the political debates

I am at odds as to whether I’m going to bother watching the first live televised debate between the main political party leaders. It’s on in about 13 minutes and is sure to be… shit, really. Everything will have been so carefully stage-managed and vetted in advance that there are unlikely to be any ridiculous statements, any revelations or anything of worth said. That’s why the papers are more looking forward to someone stumbling over their words or sweating a bit too much or something – because nothing of worth will come from the ‘debate’ (otherwise known as ‘stage show’).

And so, with that in mind, I have a few suggestions for what Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Nick Clegg could do on TV instead. These ideas probably wouldn’t give us any further insight into each party’s policies, but neither is the real debate – at least my suggestions would be marginally more entertaining.

  1. Nudity and mud wrestling: In-between each round of questioning, the candidates are forced to strip naked, roll around in sloppy mud while play-fighting and scream their three main policies in as high-pitched a voice as they can. Then they get dressed and return to the podiums, only to repeat the process after the next question.
  2. Less men, more sexy ladies: Nobody wants to look at Nick Clegg. Cameron looks like a polished plum. And Brown? Fuck me, that’s some odd-looking shit. No – we, the British public, don’t want to see these idiots and their smug faces. We want to see sexy ladies, possibly on trampolines, carrying jugs of beer. And I’m not even going to make a ‘mass debate’ joke.
  3. Prizes: Of course, the ultimate prize may be the opportunity to run the country, but I think smaller spot prizes should be offered on the night. Cameron pulls off a spectacular answer to the question of “why are you such a toff prick?” and is awarded a small novelty pen for his eloquence. It would encourage the politicians to bring their ‘A’ game, and it would force them to be more entertaining.
  4. Violence should be allowed: David Cameron hits back at Gordon Brown with a smug comment about being “down with the people” or some nonsense along those lines. Brown leaves his podium, steps across the stage and breaks Cameron’s jaw. Hilarity ensues, and it would be some damn cathartic television.
  5. Gungeing: Self-explanatory, really.

And there you have it. I’ve actually managed to convince myself to watch the debates now, on the off chance they’ll have picked up on one of these ideas. Time for some politicking!

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