Tag Archives: total recall

Total Recall 2012, the definitive review (7/10)

In Total Recall 2012, a woman approaches Co-Lin Farrell and offers him her ‘services’. Her services include the fact she has three breasts, which she reveals to our favourite star of In Bruges.

It is not explained why she has three bosoms, or if she approaches every single man on the street with her oh-so-tempting offer. She just jumps in, says her piece, shows her pieces, and fucks right off again.

In Total Recall 1989 (or was it 1990 I can’t be arsed checking), a woman turns to Ah-nolt Schwarzenegger at the bar after being recommended to him by the barkeep. She reveals to him her chest, and while the audience is fully aware that mutations have occurred to people on Mars, we see she has three chest orbs.

It is explained why she has three breasticles. It is logical why she approaches Ah-nolt. When Benny says he wishes he had three hands, we laugh at his casual objectification of this working woman.

See, a Paul Verhoeven film is actually more subtle – more subtle – and nuanced than a non-Paul Verhoeven film.

The new Total Recall does not bother trying to make sense. It makes some clumsy attempts at overlong exposition then sort of just gives up and moves on, explaining little else along the way.

Dave, who I saw the film with, asked a series of questions beginning as soon as the credits started rolling. He did not stop asking these questions through the walk out of the cinema, on the way to the bus stop, as we parted ways, or even after we’d split and I was receiving texts from him on the bus.

This shows both that Dave is an irritant, and that Total Recall 2012 has so many stupid fucking holes in it – more than even Prometheus – that it’s making me hate modern, mainstream sci-fi.

Come back Jim Cameron, all is forgiven. And come back Paul Verhoeven, I love you. Oh, and Joss Whedon. And whoever did The Man From Earth. And trashy 50s B-movie sci-fi flicks. And John Carpenter. And anyone else.

I seriously need to write something, because this shit gets made and I can be at least as good as Total Recall 2012. IT DID NOT EXPLAIN THE TRIPLE-TITS.


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Six films you have to like OR I WON’T LIKE YOU

There are movies that are good, ones that are bad, ones that are funny, ones that are sad. There are movies you people like, and movies you’re wrong about. Movies I like, and movies that… well, no – there’s only really movies I like.

Everything else is irrelevant.

There are certain films out there that I like a lot. Films that, if you spend any amount of time with me, I will make you watch. Why do I do this? It’s an elaborate test (minus the ‘elaborate’ factor). If you too like these films, I probably won’t hate you as much as I do other people.

So as a public service, here’s six movies that I like – and if you don’t like them, I probably hate you and you should most likely kill yourself:

Terminator 2: Judgement Day

Best film ever made? Yep. I have made no less than three girls cry by making them watch this film.

Wait, that sounds really bad.

I have suggested watching T2 to three girls, separately, each of whom believed they would not enjoy it and scoffing at the fact I said an Arnie film could be genuinely good. All three of them cried at the end of T2. At an action film. At an Arnie film.

That bit where he just walks from the truck to the cab of the juggernaught without a single fuck given, doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t stop – it is the single most heroic thing anyone has ever done in any film ever.

God I love Terminator 2.


Who’s the best character on Aliens? Is it Ripley and her cloying, annoying desire to make Newt her surrogate daughter? Is it Newt herself in her only acting role ever? Is it Hicks and his dull everyman persona? Apone and his over-chewed cigars? Spunkmeyer and his wonderful name? Vasquez and her “I’m the motherly mother Janine from Terminator 2”?

It’s Hudson, you blathering idiots. The single most heroic [SPOILER]death[/SPOILER] in any film ever. Seems like a joke character, you wonder why he’s even in the Colonial Marines – how could he have even passed any entrance exams? He’s insubordinate, irritating, sarcastic, unprofessional and – seemingly – cowardly.

Then that bit happens, and everyone watching goes “ohhhh” in unison.

Oh, right, the film. Aliens is brilliant. I like when I tell people I like Aliens and they ask “which one?” THE ONE CALLED ALIENS YOU FUCKNUGGETS.

Total Recall

Two… weeks… twwwooo… weeeeeks…

A film that gives me incredibly warm feelings for the entire sci-fi genre. Also Paul Verhoven. Also yes I’ve heard that fucking commentary I got the damn DVD about ten years ago you SLOWER THAN ME BASTARDS.

See you at the party Richter!

You think this is Quaid? IT IS.

If you don’t like a film with a three-boobed hooker in it then you have no soul. I don’t associate with people who have no souls.

Life Is Beautiful (La Vida Es Bella) EDIT: (I actually meant the Italian title, wasn’t really paying attention – La Vita E Bella)

Yeah, it’s a ‘proper’ film what of it wanna fight about it I’ll kick your ass. But strangely, people are reticent to watch this flick with me. Usually after they’ve heard me give them a synopsis along the lines of “I’m well manly me and it made me cry like a six-year-old who’s just had their ice cream stolen by a crow and then their puppy got ran over right in front of their eyes and then their parents died also it’s about a Jewish family in the Second World War”.

No idea why people might not want to go out of their way to watch that. It is a fantastic film, though. Plus the first half confuses people, because it’s cheesy slapstick peppered with even cheesier lines and a lead character who comes across as a bit of a bellend – in the nicest possible way.

But it turns, and then you realise just why you’ve been fed this set up.

Blade Runner

It’s a depressed Han Solo in the future where it never stops raining hunting down robo-people and he might be a robo-person himself or is he OR IS HE? Also: boiled egg hands.

Blade Runner is one of the most atmospheric and interesting sci-fi films I’ve ever seen. It made me love Rutger Haueurueurrr, I’m still scared of JF Sebastian’s little midget robo-friends (the freak bastards) and the Final Cut version is actually good. Though not entirely necessary.

Oh plus symbolism, the question of who is and isn’t human, what it is to be human, why Roy Batty does what he does, if Edward James Olmos is secretly Adama throughout the whole film and… umm… some other stuff. I’ve lost my train of thought because I want to watch Blade Runner now.

Jackass: The Movie

If you don’t rate this – and its sequels – as up there with the funniest films ever made then you can just fuck right off. I’m not joking. Comedy doesn’t have to be intelligent to be very funny indeed, and anybody sneering arrogantly in the direction of Jackass – a series where 90% of the stunts and japes were played with so much heart, so much of a sense of fun – can and should shut up and go back to their lives of miserable twattishness.

Did I mention I like sci-fi, Arnie and James Cameron? Anyway, these aren’t my top five or any such nonsense. Also I like more than six films; I’m not that boring.

Ah, 900 words. Oops.

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