Tag Archives: walking

How to make your walk to work faster

I’ve found an innovative new technique by which I can increase the speed of my journeys to and from work. Or, at the very least, make them feel like they don’t take the 25-30 minutes they actually do. It’s so simple, I’m shocked I never realised it before.

Just be in a funk. A mood. Angry. Pissed off. Headachey. Annoyed. Irritable. Be all of those and some other ones, all at the same time, and it simply flies by.

Obviously that just means ‘be Ian Dransfield’, but it’s hard damn work to be me each and every day. I mean, some days I’ve been known to wake up not hating each and every one of you wastes of skin. Though that is admittedly a very rare occurrence.

It also requires that my day of sitting making Hilarious and Satirical comments about videogames and the rest of the world isn’t as… let’s go with ‘normal’… as it usually is. It requires I be pissed off by something.

I had to edit DVD videos today, so let’s say that’s why I was pissed off. Because I was. Fiddly shit.

But it helps, it seems. My journey to work, recovering from a complete lack of sleep and the fear I was on the verge of death by headache when I was woken up by stabbing brain pain at about 4am, seemed to take about three minutes.

My walk back, in which I was still furious about anything and everything, appeared to take about 7 Seconds.

No, wait – that’s what I was listening to.

Either way, it didn’t seem to take that long. I still need a Segway, though.

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The ol’ walk-n-stumble-when-someone’s-looking

I’ve noticed in recent weeks that my ability to walk when I know someone is looking in the direction I am in – not necessarily at me, but in my direction – is failing. It’s always been pretty poor, as I’m sure it is with other people. You walk past a group of people, you start having weird kinks in your step. You see an attractive young lady walking towards you on the pavement, suddenly you lurch to one side as if you’re a startled rapist (you’re not. Usually). You know there’s someone walking behind you, you start with the Ministry Of Silly Walks routine even though you didn’t mean to.

But recently it seems to have become worse. Some would say it’s down to the fact I’m more self-conscious than I have been in a while, with my confidence at an all-time low, my life in a bit of a rut and my prospects not looking like being much beyond poverty in Bournemouth for the foreseeable future. All this leads to overanalysing a situation when somebody is looking at me and hence walking like a weird twat.

Some would say that. I wouldn’t. I’d say it’s because I’m such a renegade – such a total rebel – that I don’t see the need to subscribe to your pathetic notions of what a ‘normal’ walk is. You see a stumbling oaf who bends his legs in a fashion that can’t be entirely natural, I see a New Way. You see someone who seems to be admonishing himself out loud for stumbling a bit while looking squarely at the floor, I see someone who doesn’t need the ability to not trip up over a flat pavement and who also likes talking to himself. Aloud. In public.

Hmm. Is this fooling anybody?

I stumbled over a pine cone today. In fairness, the girl that caused this was very attractive, and I’m pretty sure she smirked at it. It may have been a “ha ha what a goit” laugh, but it was still a laugh. They all count.

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I am walking here, sir.

I now understand why the phrase “I’m walkin’ here!” seems to have been invented in the city of New York. In a brief, brief foray into Times Square where we simply walked in a straight line for a while, looked up a bit, turned around and walked back we were accosted on no less than A Shitload of occasions.

Now a polite “sorry” didn’t seem to deter, so I moved on to the more direct, yet still polite “no ta” which yielded greater results. Unfortunately it didn’t work all the time, and one girl – persistent little tyke that she was – wouldn’t take “sorry” or “no ta” for an answer, pestering us into saying why we claimed to not like drinking or stand-up comedy.

Her assertions that we were British, and hence must like drinking and comedy were laughed off. While we knew we were lying, we soon got into the part where she just got offensive, asking if we liked Peter Kay or Michael Macintyre.

This was the point when “I’m walkin’ here!” would have been apt. That, or a massive “FUCK OFF” in her face. Instead we just laughed at her, then I think a large bouncer called me a “fat-eared motherfucker”, though I could be mistaken there.

This is short and crap as I was supposed to be downstairs five minutes ago. SOZ.

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Sneakers. For sneaking.

You wake up, it’s early, there’s someone in your house you don’t want to wake up – be it the beast/person in your bed, a parent, housemate or whatever else could possibly be in your house (that you don’t want to wake up). Obviously you’re supposed to be quiet at this point. It is, after all, early – or maybe it’s not early, and it’s just they’re working nights, or they’re lazy and you fear their temper, or you’re trying to sneak out because they smell of burnt cheese.

Anyway, you have a reason to want to keep quiet. That’s what I’m saying here. You have woken up and you don’t want them to also be woken up. Simple. Yes? With me? Right.

Every time I try and do this my body seems to make it my mission to do the exact opposite of what I intend. Years ago when my dad would be sleeping and I’d have to sneak around to not wake him up my brain would (probably intentionally) forget which were and weren’t the creaky floorboards, and make me step on the ones that made the loudest noise. He didn’t wake up, mind, as a herd of nuclear-explosion-farting wildebeest charging through his room with air horns erupting from their nostrils wouldn’t wake that man when his head touches pillow.

I awoke the other morning in order to go to work, where my job is, where I get paid a bit of money for a very silly reason (I was playing a Star Wars game all day today). Darling Sweet Girlfriend was still snoozing in my bed, so I knew I had to make it my mission to tread quietly and carefully, as well as to avoid any obstacles. One step later I had fallen over the giant beanbag in my room and clattered onto my weak, painful ankle, whereby I remarked to the world around me that this had caused me pain (i.e. “OW”). It was something that has never happened to me before, yet when I’m trying to be quiet it does. Fortunately not even a mallet to the noggin could wake Darling Sweetheart Girlfriend when she is doing a sleep. I know. I’ve tried.

I will have to attend some kind of ninja school in order to get my quietness seen to. After all, I’m very good at sneaking by accident, but when I try and do it where it matters I always end up falling, creaking, clattering or hearing my knees click really loud.

That is all.

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A public service announcement RE: walking

This is a public service announcement from Dransfield Industries, a subsidiary of Dransfield Incorporated, which represents parent company Dransfield Dransfield.

26 July, 2010. Bournemouth, England.

Statement begins:

WOMEN, men, children, dogs and everything in-between are being offered advice for if a reasonably large, northern man begins walking anywhere in the vicinity of them. This man, it has been noted, is not a threat to you, your safety, your belongings or your way of life. Just because this man has decided to walk on the same stretch of pavement as you does not mean he is about to murder you most violently. Or even make eye contact.

It has been noted by Dransfield Industries that many women, men, children, dogs and everything in-between act surprised by the appearance of this man on pavements. They have been known to cross roads in what is not always – but quite clearly sometimes – a way of getting away from the man. Looks of confusion, if not genuine fear, are commonplace whenever this man comes within a certain distance of many women, men, children, dogs and everything in-between.

We at Dransfield Industries, as well as employees at Dransfield Incorporated and the management team at Dransfield Dransfield would like to offer this piece of advice to all women, men, children, dogs and everything in-between, whether they seem to fear this man or not: he is not going to hurt you in any way, shape or form. You do not need to look behind you, cross roads, eye up any nearby items that could be used as makeshift weaponry, call MI6, run away or throw a smoke bomb at the ground before vanishing. This man is not a murderer, rapist, mugger, bumper-intoer, insulter or attacker.

Dransfield Industries would like to confirm he is just a largeish man who walks quite fast. We ask that all women, men, children, dogs and everything in-between remain calm on seeing him in the streets. He is of no threat to anyone.

Statement ends.


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