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Who is The Stig? I mean, no one cares, but still.

I’m watching Top Gear. It’s either a repeat or they enjoy wearing poppies all year because they’re so British. Anyway, I initially intended to write up some kind of hilarious critique of the programme, as is my wont. But no, I can’t be bothered, so I’ll do some witty, clever and altogether cutting-edge speculation on who The Stig may well be. That stuff is still in the news, right? No? Oh bollocks to it, I’m not changing my mind. So who might The Stig be? Let’s see my suggestions:

1. The Queen. Never seen them in the same place, both vying for the position of national treasure, both have a penchant for anonymity. It just makes sense.

2. Will Young. Because he’s on the telly right now. It just makes sense.

3. Jeremy Clarkson. The ultimate curveball would be for the giant, oafish idiot (who I still have a soft spot for) turning out to be the man he introduces every week. You wouldn’t expect it, and it would mean Clarkson is actually a foot shorter, meaning he’s been wearing stilts all of his career. Now that’s commitment to a lie. It just makes sense.

4. Frederic Vester. The Stig’s first appearance was November 2, 2003. Frederic Vester “died” the very same day. A German science chap who had an interest in cybernetics, thus meaning his “death” could actually have been the cover for him performing the ultimate experiment on himself. The Stig is in fact a heavily cybernetic-augmented Frederic Vester. It just makes sense.

5. The 9/11 hijackers. Already embroiled in many conspiracy theories of their own, is it really that far out to think the men who disappeared after crashing the planes on September 11 actually escaped to take up residence as the BBC’s finest time trial drivers? It just makes sense.

6. Me. I “can’t” “drive”. I am “not” “on” “TV”. I am “not” “The” “Stig”. Look, the evidence just mounts up here. I just make sense.

Don’t we all feel like we’ve grown today, and definitely like we haven’t just wasted our time reading a complete non-blog.


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