Tag Archives: winning

Vegas baby!

I want to go to Las Vegas. I think that my gambling problem, which I clearly do have, would be a lot different over there. Rather than getting caught up in the madness and throwing all of my cash (which I don’t actually have) down the greedy gullets of the casinos (which definitely aren’t run by the mob) I think my inherent Yorkshireness would take over.

“How much?!” it would say, as I approached a table. “You can’t spend much, you need to save some for a rainy day” it would add as I consider trading in everything I own for a few more chips. “Don’t bet more than $1 a hand, otherwise you won’t have enough for PIES later on,” it’ll throw in just to remind me that I’m a fat bastard who likes pies.

I think it would be a more interesting trip from the perspective that I would appear to be a dodgy bastard to any and all pit bosses across Nevada. I don’t only  get nervous when I’m doing something I shouldn’t be – I get nervous when I’m near someone in authority who stops people from doing things they shouldn’t be, even when I’m not even considering doing things I am not supposed to be doing. Ya dig?

I would fully expect to be ejected from multiple casinos for being some kind of cheat, thief or rapist just for sitting at a table trying to act like I’m minding my own business (when in reality I’m actually just trying to mind my own business). Ejections ala the head-first bloke on Casino spring to mind.

I probably wouldn’t even get any free drinks.

Yeah, I think Vegas would be a great trip to go on. Someone sort it out for me – I can’t afford it right now. Gambled all my money away. I mean… umm…

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Bingo! research part II: this time it’s blackjack

It seems that my simple foray into experimenting with online bingo has taken another step. One might say a step too far. See, I decided I would put a few spare quid I had (35 of them, to be precise. Sigh) on a certain blackjack card game offered by a certain William Hill’s online casino. I did this as I was bored and because I like gambling.

For once it didn’t turn out to be a complete horror show. I initially lost money, but soon enough I had made it back. Then I’d made back some other money I’d lost before. Then I’d made profit. Then I’d made double the worth of my losses in profit. Then treble. And on, and on, until – two hours later – I walked away from the space-internet-virtual table with £1,300 winnings. That’s thirteen hundred, in case you’re wondering.

I have therefore decided that I need to ban myself from all of these sites, as it would seem to be all too easy for me to lapse into the attitude of “oh, I can just win again”. When I can’t. Being lucky once doesn’t mean it will happen regularly, or ever again. Hmm… Must visit Google to find out how to block this stuff.

It’s not a problem unless you let it become one, right? Also I’m in profit, and have therefore beaten the casinos. I win. I quit. Victory is mine. Never again.

Though there is always World Series Of Poker…

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Dransfield for England

I have peaked. I am 27 this coming Wednesday and I have peaked. This is the time of my peaking, my peak has been reached, I have peaked. It won’t ever get any better for the rest of my life – all four years of it*. For you see, today I had the best sporting day of my life.

Hard as it may be to believe for some of the more moronic of you out there, I am not very good at sports. I’m not had-polio-as-a-child bad, nor am I can’t-run-in-a-straight-line-or-catch-or-do-anything-of-worth-while-playing-sports bad, but I’m certainly not good. But today, during the work summer party, I was the greatest I’ve ever been. Prepare yourself for the most inspiring story since Field Of Dreams.

First up, we played football. Within minutes it happened: the ball came loose, it bounced towards me, I ran towards it – I hit it, full on, perfect, aimed and directed the ball where it actually ended up going (always a good sign) and it went in off the post. It was so good I celebrated – something I never do – and promptly felt quite ashamed after doing so. All the same, I did get a round of applause from everyone playing, meaning I’m clearly the best footballer at Imagine Publishing. FACT.

Then came the running-on-a-bungie-rope game thing, where I can’t remember who won between myself and Chris (probably him, as he is a lithe little pooch), but I then devastated Darran “Retro Gamer” Jones in front of his two young daughters. The victory – and hilarity – was doubled, trebled and magnified beyond recognition as a result of his children saying “YOU SUCK!” to him as he stumbled off the bouncy thing, beaten.

THEN came bouncy castle boxing, in which I seemed to be getting punched in the head a lot by Chris. Rather than try and punch him back, as I couldn’t see through the headguard and lack of glasses, I decided to use my weight advantage – something I had purposefully built up through my life should this occasion arise – to throw him into the sides of the ring a couple of times. This may have resulted in him getting stuck and the bouncy castle breaking, which I count as a massive Dransfield victory, frankly.

FINALLY came softballroundersbaseball. A sport which some people seem to be unable to understand the simplicity of the foul ball rule, to the point that their tiny minds not grasping it lead them to lash out and call those of us that did understand it “idiots”. Ah logic, I knew thee well. Regardless, I hit a homerun (during practice) and another homerun (during the game). Also I struck out, but I also caught someone out.

So yeah, I was going to be funnier and more interesting about this, but instead I’ve just blandly relayed the facts to you. Today was the best sporting day of my life. Well done Ian.

*Heart attack while getting down to some hardcore hammock sleeping, I’m guessing. I’ve always said hammocks will be the death of me.

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My Come Dine With Me menu

Yeah, I’ve deleted that first image as it stopped being funny. I’m so fucking tired.

As it says on the tin (snarf!), really. I’m well classy, so I’d have loads of courses and the guests would be all like “WHOA!” and I’d be all like “DAMN RIGHT!” then everyone would be all like “OM NOM” and I’d be totally like “FUCK YEAH”.


Bag of Lidl’s Alesto Nuts Royal (walnuts taken out)


Single plain Ryvita and whatever cheese is in the fridge, ala microwave (20 seconds)


Tin of Lidl tuna (BYOF (“Bring” “Your” “Own” “Fork”))


A choice of either:

Lidl fake Pot Noodle with lukewarm, scum-topped water (sauce optional)


Lidl chorizo (with extra pig toenails)




Ice cream (I get more than you though, I’m bigger)

If you think this would do anything other than win the fine contest of Come Dine With Me then you are clearly an idiot in denial, who probably has BO or something. Also, if you think this is a hilarious list of foodstuffs then fuck you, this is what I eat. Genuinely. On a regular basis.

Today’s entry was brought to you by: eating bad food for years solid; being up since 6.30am; not being able to actually write about what I want to for legal reasons; not being able to write about the second thing I want to as I’m too tired to form a cogent argument.


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