Halloween’s a bit shit really, isn’t it? It’s not based on anything – I’ve checked, and if you tell me it’s something to do with the Roman feast of Pomona or any kind of festival of the dead then shut up, because you’re wrong because I said so. Halloween was invented about three weeks ago by some kind of evil pumpkin seller.
I reckon the guy also has a line in everything related to skellingtons, seeing as you see so many of them around in this stupid fake non-time of the year.
I mean, some might say I’m just a bit massively jealous and angry that I never got to go trick or treating as a youngster. Some might say I was indoctrinated to believe that Halloween is ‘a stupid American thing’ (which is it: FACT). Some might say the fact I’m always made to feel bad when I tell people of my bad taste costumes that I’ve worn over the years annoys me.
Some might say that, yeah. They’d probably have a point, too.
But they’d still be wrong, mainly because I just said they’d still be wrong.
Some might even say the reason I’m unnecessarily (“necessarily”) mean to children knocking on the door is because I’m insanely jealous of them. It’s not – it’s because they’re smug little bastards who need to be knocked down a peg or five. Especially the three-year-olds.